Not Pregnant. Again. Rainbows. And other assorted things.

There is so much to catch up on, on here.

Let me start by saying no, I’m not pregnant, as far as I know. I’m about 99% sure I’m not, anyway. My armpits smell to high heaven and other assorted things (yes I know, gross), but I’m at the end of my cycle, my temp dropped, and I’m spotting–so I would be absolutely shocked if I didn’t start my period tomorrow.

Frickin stupid body can’t conceive even when we hit 3 good fertile days this month!!! (We never time it so perfectly.) BOOO!!!!!

The good thing is that even though I couldn’t pinpoint ovulation or count my luteal days last month, I did NOT spot mid-cycle this month like I did last time, I DID pin-point ovulation this time (at least down to a 2-3 day range), and it looks like my luteal phase is exactly what it was pre-miscarriage: 13 days. Eh. At least I can count on something.

You’ll notice I’m being flippant about this because if I give into the despair I feel right now I think I’ll go off the deep end. Yes it’s only month two of trying again, but mentally it feels like this experience is all wrapped together as one big, depressing, difficult, seemingly never-ending life season — trying to conceive, the horror of miscarrying at 12 weeks, bleeding for 8 weeks and dealing with bladder inflammation etc. before taking 3 months to heal, being slammed with pregnancy announcements this summer, going to my friend’s baby shower who was due with me, then finally being able to try again, only to be betrayed by the hope given to me in all those articles that say tons of women get pregnant the first cycle after a miscarriage. About that last part, I’m sorry, but BULLSHIT. Sorry for the language. But bullshit.

So I’m being flippant because I have to. I will crumble if I don’t try to keep myself together. I had my good cry the other day (and another day, and another day) and I honestly think that now my mind is just outright rejecting the possibility that this could take a while or something could possibly be wrong after my m/c. My mind is rejecting the harsh reality of another cycle come and gone, not pregnant, after the hell I’ve been through this year, and amid lots of friends getting pregnant. So I’m not going to dwell on it. At least not today.

Can I just say that it’s pretty much impossible not to symptom spot in the two week wait? I promised myself last month that I wouldn’t, and I really, REALLY tried. But it’s impossible. I didn’t actively look for things, but it’s pretty hard not to notice that you’ve got gobs of cm for days (sorry, TMI), that you’re really tired 2-3 days in a row, that you had a temp dip around what could be implantation time, and so on. Your ttc brain, especially when you’ve been trying for at least a few months, is hard-wired to see things even when you’re trying not to look for them, even when you’re trying to find things to do to distract yourself. It’s almost subconscious and you might as well wave the white flag every month.

I’ll admit, this isn’t pretty at all, but to be completely honest since this is my diary, I was pissed off at God the other day. Just flat out pissed off that He didn’t let me get pregnant this month. If I had conceived, I would have been due the week of Mother’s Day. (:( ) The same week as my mom’s birthday (she loves being a grandmother–my sis has kids and she never shuts up about them). And I would definitely have that cute bump at Christmas that I really, really wanted to have. (I may not now.) And, okay this is silly, but I really wanted to have my kid’s birthday during the school year, not in the summer. My birthday was during the school year and I wanted my kid to have what I had: tons of friends to wish me happy birthday (if even superficial friends), perhaps my boyfriend/dad to send me flowers on the day so everyone could see, things like that. You don’t get that with a summer birthday. Not to mention you’re lucky if your friends can attend your summer birthday party, with family vacations getting in the way. What if my kid’s BFF can’t make it to her 10th birthday party? I just can’t have that.

The rainbow I spotted

Lastly, I was mad at God because He sent me a promise. A promise to not allow this horrible experience to happen to me again. On my ovulation day. Let me explain.

For years, I have only seen rainbows in the sky when a big life event is going on. I saw one the day I moved back home after living out of state for the first time. I saw one on my college graduation day. And I saw two–two! one on top of the other!–when I was at a baseball game with J when we were dating. I had been wondering if he was the one for me, and even though I felt very confident he was, I wanted God to show me that J was the man He had been preparing for me my whole life. He did–and He did it by sending me a rainbow (two!).

Well, I haven’t seen a rainbow in a few years, that I can recall. And last on Thursday, August 22nd, that changed. It was my ovulation day, and He sent me a rainbow. It hadn’t even been raining that day.

Was this God promising me that this would be the month? I tried not to think about it that way. But He knows how special it would be for me to have my baby around Mother’s Day, after all that’s happened. So maybe? Or maybe it was God showing me that He would lead J to a much better job soon. Maybe it was that I would definitely be pregnant again at some point (I have this fear that my m/c messed something up and made me infertile–I know, it’s irrational. But that’s where my mind goes, because I’m sure it’s possible.)

Or maybe it’s a reflection of God’s original promise when sending Noah a rainbow in the Bible–the promise that God would never again flood the earth the same way — or in other words, never again wipe out mankind. Interesting, right? In my situation, it seems that would translate to Him never allowing me to go through another miscarriage, another loss of precious life. This is the one that seems to stick with me.

The second rainbow

Only time will allow me to see what God’s message to me really is.

This Saturday, over a week later, we were out power-washing our porch. The water sprayed across the yard, combined with the sunlight streaking in the same direction, created another rainbow. I was flabbergasted to say the least.

What does this mean? A true RAINBOW baby?

How on earth did I randomly see this two weeks in a row?

So when my temp dropped the very next morning, I got mad. Very mad. I thought, how could you do this to me God!? Why even bother sending me the message?! Why THAT DAY? And why another one?! Why fill me with hope and excitement only to leave me feeling sad and pissed off all over again?

I don’t know the answer. But I asked His forgiveness the very next day. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t mad all day. It doesn’t mean it didn’t take me a while to let go of my pride and admit He knows more than I do, that He’s got this.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that He has something very big in mind for me. I just don’t know what it is yet. So I have to trust Him.

But IT’S HARD. It gets drastically harder with each month that comes and goes.

I guess that’s going to make the victory so much sweeter. THAT’S what I’m looking forward to. THAT’S where my hope is. Ultimate victory.

Looking ahead, if I were to conceive next month, I would be due the week of Father’s Day. I guess we’ll see what happens. I’m hopeful, but not in the sense that I expect it, anymore. I expect God to work, but not necessarily on my timeline. Am I happy about that? Honestly… no. Do I get pissed off and extremely down from time to time? Uh, yeah. But am I happy that God knows more than I do, has got something great in mind for me, and that He can be trusted with this? Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty darn happy with that.

By the way, I finally had some wine last night, after going without for two weeks. It felt great. I think a spicy tuna roll is next.

Now I’m off to yoga. Another new distraction I quite like.

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“This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you,
and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
I set My rainbow in the cloud,
and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth.
It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud;
and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you
and every living creature of all flesh;
the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh.”
–Genesis 9:12-15