Psalms 23:4

Psalms 23:4

I had just started a study of Psalms 23 before my miscarriage. It was a study that broke the chapter down, verse by verse. Interestingly enough, this was the last verse I studied before that day. God’s timing is so very perfect. THIS was the verse that kept coming to mind while I was in the ER – the entire 5 hours.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

The first part was very powerful at the time. This was surely the darkest valley I had experienced. I was very fearful, as I had been throughout my pregnancy of this very thing, but God was telling me not to fear. He washed over me with His peace.

J and I even found ourselves intensely laughing at something in the midst of it all. The nurse asked if there was anything else she could do for me, and I said no I’m fine. Not long after she left the room, I realized I was getting hungry. I giggled and said to J, “I should have told her to bring me a sandwich.” I snapped my fingers in the air and said to no-one, “Bring me a sandwich, do it, do it.” A reference from that ridiculous film Starsky & Hutch that J and I had watched together the week before. I even did the low, mafia-like voice that Ben Stiller did in the movie. J started laughing, and then I couldn’t contain my laughter. It was so stupid, but I guess we needed a release. It became a joke every time the nurse would leave the room. Now, that’s one of the main things I remember from our ER experience. That and this verse. Isn’t God good?

I felt God whispering the second part of that verse to me over and over again.

“I am with you.”

“I am your comfort.”

“I am your security.”

“Look to no-one or nothing else, no matter what happens. It is only My presence that can fully fulfill and comfort you. My presence–and my presence only–erases all fear.”

Just thought I’d share that. It’s something I haven’t forgotten, and I wanted to write it down so in the future I can look back and see how God spoke to me at the time. (One of the thousands of ways He spoke to me through all of this!)

Father’s Day

Father's Day 2013I gave J a Father’s Day card yesterday. Well, it was an anniversary card that I marked through and put “father’s day” on. He laughed, but I told him they don’t make “Happy Father’s Day to someone who’s not technically a dad but really is” cards. (They really should do that, and for Mother’s Day too, for what it’s worth.)

The card had some gooey stuff in it, but it also had this:

Maybe it hasn’t always been easy,
but as we celebrate today,
I want you to know
our marriage makes me
very happy,
and I love you now
more than ever.

I underlined “today” and wrote:

J,

You are such an amazing husband. You took care of me and gave me grace when I needed it the most. You were so supportive when I was pregnant and gave your best to our child. You are going to be such a great father someday. (You already are.) I already think of you as one. Until that day comes, we already have the perfect family.

I love you,
S

I left the card on his dresser in the middle of the day. He wasn’t expecting it. After reading it he came downstairs, found me, and hugged me pretty tight. I could tell it meant a lot to him.

He’s going to be such an amazing dad. And hopefully soon.

FINALLY

Oh my gosh y’all…I’ve. stopped. bleeding.

8 weeks post-miscarriage.

HALLELUJAH!!!

I honestly forgot what it’s like not to bleed. I can’t believe it’s finally done. I literally just can’t believe it!

More to come when I have some more time to write… but seriously, this has been the highlight of my week. I can’t remember the last time I was this giddy (yup, giddy). I think it was when I got the positive pregnancy test all those months ago. That was the last time I was this happy about something.

Praising God right now for hearing my prayers, and for always remaining faithful!!!

“Just Watch It”

That is the latest thing I’ve heard from my OB — as transcribed from one of her nurses. (Notice it still wasn’t she that called me.) “Just watch it” is the sound (and oh-so-personal) medical advice I got from my OB after having bled now for 7 weeks and calling to ask if there is anything we should do or if I should be concerned at this point.

Umm, SHE better “watch it!”  lol…

I was hoping she might want to shoot me up with some hormones or at least think about putting me on the pill or something for a bit, to regulate me out. Maybe even see me for once. Or at the very least, come up with something better than that.

Story of my life right now. Ironic, isn't it?

Story of my life right now. Ironic, isn’t it?

I mean, really. As Gob would say, “Come on!!!” Is that the best she can do? Does she really think I haven’t been “watching it” every time I go to the bathroom, only to whip out another pantiliner? Wearing those things ain’t exactly a picnic. Goodness gracious, I miss my pretty lacy panties!!

What does that even mean anyway — “watch it”? I should call her tomorrow and report back, “I watched it. It ain’t pretty, but I watched it. Oh–and it’s still there!”

She also told me to take a home pregnancy test. For what it’s worth, I know I’m not still producing hCG. I took tests weekly until my levels were down to 4. That was weeks ago, and I’m not passing any clots or tissue, don’t feel nauseous, etc., so I’m pretty sure it’s all gone. So forgive me for being cheap but I’m not about to waste a pricey pregnancy test on this! Not to mention it feels pretty weird, even quite sad right now, peeing on a stick and hoping for it to be negative.

So I think what I’ll do is just watch it (her words) for the next couple of weeks. What else am I going to do? If I pass 9 weeks of straight bleeding I’ll call in — and this time, demand a follow up exam or something. And maybe when that comes around I’ll just look up a new doctor. I was planning on it anyway.

One Lovely Blog Award — thank you MissMelvis!

Dang this week has been crazy. I’ve been wanting to get on here and write and just didn’t seem to have the time.

I’ve been meaning to say thank you to my wonderful new friend over at Me, Bookshelf and I — she has nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award! I’m flattered! Just two weeks ago I didn’t have a blog, and now I already have people reading along and someone kind enough to compliment my blog and call it lovely. Thank you, MissMelvis, for nominating me for the award!

One Lovely Blog AwardAs a recipient of the award I’m to:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated me
  • Link the post to their page
  • State 7 random facts about myself
  • Nominate those that I feel are deserving of this award

So here goes!

1. I am constantly astonished at just how different people really are. A lot of times I assume people think and are just like me. It makes my life full of surprises.

2. I had a dress up tea party for my 7th birthday. I wore a poofy purple dress (one of the ones with crenoline and a wire around the bottom), a hat with a feather in it, and make-up. I imagined that’s how sophisticated British ladies sipped tea.

3. Most people who know me are shocked when I tell them I’m really an introvert. I can be very sociable and sometimes not shy at all, but I have to retreat by myself a lot and I thrive off of my alone time. Funnily enough, I grew up in a loud house of 7 people.

4. On my first date with J, I told him I really couldn’t stand my grandfather (long story). He almost laughed because it was such a ridiculous thing to say (who says that, anyway?) — and why I chose to share that on the first date I don’t know. But he ended up asking me out for a second date anyway.

5. I’m obsessed with Sriracha sauce. Obsessed.

6. I was voted “Most School Spirit” by my senior class in high school.

7. I love history, and being an American I think the decades throughout the 20th century in America were pretty interesting. If I had to live in another decade, I think it’d be the roaring 20s.

And here are my nominations for the One Lovely Blog Award:

Diary of a Miscarriage: I found this blog just after my recent miscarriage (thank you Google keywords!), and went back to her original post from 2007 to read through it from start to finish. I believe she has a new blog now and doesn’t write here much anymore, but reading through her old posts helped me cope with my miscarriage better. I can completely relate to a lot of her experiences and feelings. She has a lovely way of talking about how God helped her through the darkest days of her miscarriage, and through her nervousness in her subsequent pregnancy. It just goes to show you don’t know how God will use your blog in others’ lives — even years later.

Modern Reject: What a lovely blog. A strong Christian woman who keeps it real, and oh does she have a sense of humor! I just discovered this blog (in trying to find blogs to nominate, because well, I never really read blogs) — and I plan to put it on my reader. The one post that jumped out at me? The 3-part series on her physical healing. I’ve recently had some physical issues from my miscarriage that feel like they’re never going to end, and I believe God led me to her post for some encouragement. But the rest of the blog is amazing, too.

Natalie & Julian: A lovely blog about one woman’s journey to find hope after losing her first child only 3 days after he was born. This is another one I discovered through Google keywords, searching for blogs about miscarriage to make myself feel better. I landed on the Baby Loss Directory which lists hundreds of personal blogs on the subject, and found this original blog of one of the contributors — and went back to her original post to read it from start to finish. I’m only halfway through, but I’m hooked. She went on to have a second child–although not without major emotional and physical hurdles–and it gives me hope.

Thanks again, Me, Bookshelf and I, for the award. Being a perfectionist it’s hard to see my own blog as lovely, but it feels good to know that you and others do! I can’t wait to write more. I just wish I had been doing this for years — it’s so therapeutic! 🙂

Thought for the Day…inspired by a stranger’s blog

Those that miscarry–especially their first child–are told:

  • “It was probably just not meant to be.” (my sister said this, who lost 2 children in the second trimester, gave one up for adoption, and I now know had an abortion of another, so this pisses me off even more.)
  • “This happens all the time, there’s no reason to believe you won’t go on to have a healthy baby.” (the midwife who saw me at my follow up and was supposed to be comforting)
  • “Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again soon.” (my little brother, who bless his heart doesn’t understand what kind of stab that is, especially if you’re not physically ready to try again even though emotionally you want to)
  • “You are young, you can always have another.” (just about everyone)
  • “At least you know you can get pregnant.” (my mother-in-law, but it doesn’t bother me much because she gets it, she’s had two miscarriages, and this was after she was very consoling)
  • “God has a reason, and even if you don’t know what it is, trust Him.” (literally everyone. You know it deep down, but you don’t necessarily want to hear it blurted out in your face, like you shouldn’t be sad over it because God has a purpose in it. God knows we’re sad! He knows life can make us sad sometimes, and He doesn’t try to make us stifle those emotions.)
  • “It was just a miscarriage.” or “At least it was early.” (this is the attitude my mother gives me, not in actual words but I can tell that’s what she’s thinking by how she handles the topic.)

And here’s my thought: 

For those that haven’t had a miscarriage or loss of child, (and I say this with love), please don’t give us your “thoughts” on the matter. It’s not comforting in this situation for you to talk endlessly at us or ask lots of questions. Just be there. And please don’t think it’s weird if we’re still bringing it up a few weeks or months later. And please don’t vanish from our lives and not ever bring up the subject, that’s really tough on us.

I know you’re all probably trying to help, but just because we all may know there’s a purpose in it or that it wasn’t our fault or even (for those that are blessed) that we can have another doesn’t mean we we didn’t love THIS child. It doesn’t mean it isn’t real, it isn’t painful, or that this wasn’t a life changing experience for usJust because we know this is all part of God’s will for our lives doesn’t mean we don’t need comforting — and saying something about how it’s God’s will, even if you know we’re a Christian, isn’t really ‘comforting.’ Pointing that out isn’t going to make us want to dart across the room and open our Bible — just as our relationship with God is intimate, so is our time spent grieving in His presence and learning from Him about this. We’re already there, and if we’re not, don’t rush us — God sure isn’t.

Maybe say something else, something simple like “I’m so sorry for your loss.”  That makes us feel like someone cares. And if you don’t know how to comfort us, just hug, or be there, or even just ask us how we’re doing. And for the love of Pete, please don’t look at us weird if we talk about our baby like it was real — it WAS real. HE was real. If you do nothing else, just nod along when we talk about our baby — all we want is for him to be validated, just as other children are. For his life to have been real and meaningful. For him to count.

And there we go.