**Warning: Pregnancy update.**
Today was my first ultrasound for baby #2. We are 7 weeks, 4 days today.
I went into today not fearful, but not excited either. I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t go well (so everyone said to me, everyone that doesn’t have a clue how this feels); I was just in the neutral zone. I was so thankful that Christmas traveling was last week as it had me completely distracted and not thinking about today, not until last night. I was definitely nervous, but not really feeling a whole lot of emotion one way or the other.
That stinks. I hate that my loss has taken that from me. That rush of emotion that makes life worth living. What should be a day of pure joy and anticipation was a day of my mind repeating the same things over and over — “I just need to hear the heartbeat…I just need to know that the baby is measuring correctly…I just need to know that the heart rate is good.” It was a day of squeezing J’s hand until we knew all was okay, for today at least.
Well, I didn’t hear the heartbeat, but that was because they weren’t using the right equipment for it to be audible (I have no idea why they did that, I thought that was weird). We did, however, see a tiny little flicker that just melted my heart. I SAW the heartbeat, which in a weird way, was so much better. It pierced my heart that much more. I now have an image in my head of what that looks like, that tiny little flicker. I can’t put into words how real this feels compared to my first baby. I was in a daze in my very first ultrasound, I don’t even know if I looked at the screen. With this one, I sensed how precious this was, how fortunate I am. How I will never take this for granted again.
They measured the heart rate, 142. They measured the baby, which was right at 7 weeks. (I know I ovulated on CD 17-18 and that means I implanted a few days later than the “average” woman who ovulates on CD 14-15 …as if anything is “average” when it comes to conception. So anyway, that was exactly what I expected to hear — 7 weeks.) Baby #2 is right on track. They called the heart rate perfect. I almost hated to hear that word because that’s the word they used last time, and I know how that ended. But the ultrasound tech was so sweet, and told me she had miscarried before as well, so I know she was trying to find words to show me that everything looked good. I’ll take it.
So, this is how it’s playing out in my mind. Steps 1 and 2 down, on to step 3.
Step 1: Conceive again. 8 months post-miscarriage but I don’t care — I praise God for it, and will never take it for granted.
Step 2: Hear/see the heartbeat and make it past my first appointment with good news. Whew, thank you God for holding my hand today. To You be the glory for every good thing. This child is Yours, not mine.
Step 3: This is the step that makes me truly nervous. Make it past where I was when I miscarried last time — symptoms stopped a few days after 10 weeks, baby #1 was officially lost 2 days short of 12 weeks. If I can just get through January this time — well, to February 6th (13 weeks) — that will be huge for me. This feels like a bigger hurdle than today’s appointment, because of past experience. Our next appointment is February 5th.
Praising God for His faithfulness, his compassion towards me, and His incredible power. He is able to do immeasurably beyond what I ask or even think. And no matter what happens with this pregnancy, today was a gift all on its own, and I will cherish it.
Update on My Sister
My middle sister that is currently pregnant is not doing well. She’s been spotting and cramping for weeks, and 2 days before Christmas she went to the ER for spotting. They found a heartbeat that day, but the heart rate was 89, which has me worried. They told her that the baby was measuring at 6 weeks then, instead of 9 where she thought she was. She doesn’t quite understand what all this means. If I heard that, I would be convinced I was going to miscarry. I would be so distraught. Of course I’d never tell her that, but that’s what went through my mind. At the moment I’m just trying to be there for her, pray for her, and offer her calming, kind words of encouragement. She’s worried, but remains hopeful and is trusting God. I’m amazed at how strong she is. The 6 week thing really has me worried, though — she got a strong positive HPT 4-5 days before me, and I got a faint positive at 10 DPO, which means she has to be past me. And the day she told me she was 6 weeks, I was 6 weeks + 4 days.
She’s still spotting. I check on her every few days but try not to bombard her with calls and texts as I know she doesn’t want to dwell on how scary this is, especially when there’s nothing they can do and not much they know right now. She goes back to the doc on January 9th. I know I felt a range of emotions on the day she told me she was pregnant, but she is my sister. I love her. And I am truly scared for her. I would NEVER want anyone to go through what I went through. I just want to be there for her. I’m still hoping that God is using this to display his power and will somehow come through and save this baby. With Jesus, there is always hope, even when science is bleak and there seems like there is no way. He is the only hope we have sometimes. So I’m hoping. We’re all hoping.