Step 2 for Baby #2

**Warning: Pregnancy update.**

Today was my first ultrasound for baby #2. We are 7 weeks, 4 days today.

I went into today not fearful, but not excited either. I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t go well (so everyone said to me, everyone that doesn’t have a clue how this feels); I was just in the neutral zone. I was so thankful that Christmas traveling was last week as it had me completely distracted and not thinking about today, not until last night. I was definitely nervous, but not really feeling a whole lot of emotion one way or the other.

That stinks. I hate that my loss has taken that from me. That rush of emotion that makes life worth living. What should be a day of pure joy and anticipation was a day of my mind repeating the same things over and over — “I just need to hear the heartbeat…I just need to know that the baby is measuring correctly…I just need to know that the heart rate is good.” It was a day of squeezing J’s hand until we knew all was okay, for today at least.

Well, I didn’t hear the heartbeat, but that was because they weren’t using the right equipment for it to be audible (I have no idea why they did that, I thought that was weird). We did, however, see a tiny little flicker that just melted my heart. I SAW the heartbeat, which in a weird way, was so much better. It pierced my heart that much more. I now have an image in my head of what that looks like, that tiny little flicker. I can’t put into words how real this feels compared to my first baby. I was in a daze in my very first ultrasound, I don’t even know if I looked at the screen. With this one, I sensed how precious this was, how fortunate I am. How I will never take this for granted again.

They measured the heart rate, 142. They measured the baby, which was right at 7 weeks. (I know I ovulated on CD 17-18 and that means I implanted a few days later than the “average” woman who ovulates on CD 14-15 …as if anything is “average” when it comes to conception. So anyway, that was exactly what I expected to hear — 7 weeks.) Baby #2 is right on track. They called the heart rate perfect. I almost hated to hear that word because that’s the word they used last time, and I know how that ended. But the ultrasound tech was so sweet, and told me she had miscarried before as well, so I know she was trying to find words to show me that everything looked good. I’ll take it.

So, this is how it’s playing out in my mind. Steps 1 and 2 down, on to step 3.

Step 1: Conceive again. 8 months post-miscarriage but I don’t care — I praise God for it, and will never take it for granted.

Step 2: Hear/see the heartbeat and make it past my first appointment with good news. Whew, thank you God for holding my hand today. To You be the glory for every good thing. This child is Yours, not mine.

Step 3: This is the step that makes me truly nervous. Make it past where I was when I miscarried last time — symptoms stopped a few days after 10 weeks, baby #1 was officially lost 2 days short of 12 weeks. If I can just get through January this time — well, to February 6th (13 weeks) — that will be huge for me. This feels like a bigger hurdle than today’s appointment, because of past experience. Our next appointment is February 5th.

Praising God for His faithfulness, his compassion towards me, and His incredible power. He is able to do immeasurably beyond what I ask or even think. And no matter what happens with this pregnancy, today was a gift all on its own, and I will cherish it.

Update on My Sister
My middle sister that is currently pregnant is not doing well. She’s been spotting and cramping for weeks, and 2 days before Christmas she went to the ER for spotting. They found a heartbeat that day, but the heart rate was 89, which has me worried. They told her that the baby was measuring at 6 weeks then, instead of 9 where she thought she was. She doesn’t quite understand what all this means. If I heard that, I would be convinced I was going to miscarry. I would be so distraught. Of course I’d never tell her that, but that’s what went through my mind. At the moment I’m just trying to be there for her, pray for her, and offer her calming, kind words of encouragement. She’s worried, but remains hopeful and is trusting God. I’m amazed at how strong she is. The 6 week thing really has me worried, though — she got a strong positive HPT 4-5 days before me,  and I got a faint positive at 10 DPO, which means she has to be past me. And the day she told me she was 6 weeks, I was 6 weeks + 4 days.

She’s still spotting. I check on her every few days but try not to bombard her with calls and texts as I know she doesn’t want to dwell on how scary this is, especially when there’s nothing they can do and not much they know right now. She goes back to the doc on January 9th. I know I felt a range of emotions on the day she told me she was pregnant, but she is my sister. I love her. And I am truly scared for her. I would NEVER want anyone to go through what I went through. I just want to be there for her. I’m still hoping that God is using this to display his power and will somehow come through and save this baby. With Jesus, there is always hope, even when science is bleak and there seems like there is no way. He is the only hope we have sometimes. So I’m hoping. We’re all hoping.

11 DPO Update

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone in this community for your outpouring of support yesterday. I know what it’s like to read those “I’m pregnant!” posts, and as much as it’s easier to read it from someone we know is struggling to get and stay pregnant, I know it’s still painful to see those words come across the screen. I truly appreciate your kindness to me and excitement for me, and how you are all rooting for me. I’m so rooting for you as well!!

So without further ado, here’s the 11 DPO test this morning (if you click you can see it better):

12-4 pic 2 smaller

12-4 pic 4 smaller

You can’t see the 10 DPO as well in the above pic because the light is making a glare…I could not get a side by side without that happening. But J and I both agreed as soon as we looked — 11 DPO is definitely a tad darker this morning!

I’m going to write as if this pregnancy is going to last, because I’m truly hoping and believing it will. It will be difficult, but I will try to stay away from the phrase “if this works out” — I’ve already said that at least 4 times since yesterday. I would say I’m doing good though… I’m about 85% elated and 15% worried. I thought for so long that it’d be the opposite. So I’m going to write about my excitement. Yes, I’ll write about my fears and worries too, but I really am going to try not to focus on those. One day at a time. Appreciating God’s gift that He had me wait 8 months for (that’s how long it’s been since my miscarriage) — and appreciating how this positive test is worth every minute of it. For every day He lets me have this baby, I’m going to love it and be excited about it. And I’m totally going to praise Him for showing me that it’s possible for me to still get pregnant!!!

I’m going to get a dry erase marker and write this on my mirror so I see it every day:

Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.

I would still love to have your support, but I understand if you don’t want to read my updates for as long as I’m in the good news bubble (there I go again…”as long as I’m in”). I myself need to back away from reading some of others’ updates right now, because I really want to try not to think about miscarriage too much at this point. I feel it will lead to a lot more stress, especially over something that is out of my control. I’m going in for bloodwork today -and again Friday- that I demanded over the phone (yay for me being my own advocate!), to have my thyroid and progesterone levels checked, but beyond that there’s nothing I can do to save this baby if God wants to take it. So I have to be hopeful and believing all around.

I will leave you with a verse God has been bringing to my attention frequently over the past month:

He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven.
–Psalm 107:29-30

My pastor mentioned this verse in church about a month ago and I marked it; I thought it was quite profound given the fact that I’m studying Matthew in my weekly bible study at another church, and we just studied the story of how Jesus calmed the sea after the disciples flipped out on Him. This is clearly a reference to those verses in Matthew. And I have definitely flipped out on God this year.

“Haven” jumped out at me because the pregnancy center director that I work with, her daughter has a baby girl named Haven. She had 3 unexplained miscarriages and was told that her next child had a 5% chance to live. Well, she had that child. That was Haven. Completely healthy, and beautiful. 🙂 She was the desired haven.

I saw that verse again a couple weeks later when I got a random Thanksgiving card in the mail from a business I worked with over a year ago (totally not expecting it). They actually put a bible verse on their card — and it was THIS one. Unbelievable. This has to be God.

I started to think about Haven and what it means, so I looked it up in an online dictionary. It means “harbor” or “port.” Also “a place of safety…where you are protected from danger.” And even “a place offering favorable opportunities or conditions.”

So 1) God causes the massive storm we are in to be still. 2) God causes the huge waves of chaos and pain to be hushed. 3) His people are glad because He rescues them and quiets their panicking. and 4 –the most important) He guides them to their desired haven.  Not just any haven, not a haven that’s not fit for them… He guides them to *their* haven — the one He made especially for them, the one they desire, the one they want to be in.

To say I’ve been floored with this verse lately is an understatement. And after what just happened this week, I know He was trying to tell me something. Our God is so amazing. So good. I still can’t believe we’re due on our anniversary. I mean, wow, God is good.

And you know what else? Those 2 rainbows I saw in August had me wondering “why the heck August, what does that mean?” Well, if all goes well… I’ll be due in August. And just a little secret that I haven’t shared with J yet… I had a consecutive series of a positive OPK, then a negative, then a positive — it’s quite possible that I released 2 eggs. (WHOA.) Two rainbows probably means my sister’s baby is due in August, too, but I just had to share that because it’s fun to speculate. Gosh, I look for meaning in everything. Guess time will tell!

Okay, off to grab lunch and get my first blood work done. Wish me luck!

Thank you for your prayers and support. They mean so, so much. Be encouraged that God is going to do GREAT things in your life! Thinking of you all. XXX

HOLY CRAP… Can it be?

Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing???

photo 2 zoomed

Is that a line???

I had to go test, I just felt like I had to. To know that it’s negative without waiting all week to find that out, after the morning I just had (my sister just told me she is pregnant, so my morning has been rough). But I think that’s a line…

I’m 10 DPO.

Can it be??

Oh God please don’t mess with me right now!