For months, I’ve read posts of other bloggers in our ttc community, thinking, “Gosh, I can’t write like these women do.” I read their posts and want to re-do mine. Even now as I write this I want to highlight all–delete.
I feel so wordy most days. I feel like I can’t put into words what I’m really feeling, what I really want to say. Or if I do, I just start blabbing and never seem to communicate a clear message. One minute it’s about God and the next I’m yelling about how Facebook pregnancy announcements make me feel — all in one post.
These other bloggers, they are so eloquent. Some talk about their faith so definitively, so humbly. I want to be like them. I feel what they feel, and know exactly what they mean when they talk about God’s love in their struggle. Why can’t I better express what’s on my heart? Why can’t I put on “paper” how I have seen God’s hand intricately involved in my life this year, or how I feel about His character and His love? I want my readers to see what God truly means to me, what Jesus has done for me, and why I love Him so much — how it’s not a religion or an obligation, or for show, but a deep love for and friendship with the One who holds my hand every day, the One who wipes away all my tears.
Then there are days I feel I talk about my relationship with God too much. When I feel I’m coming across as aggressive or obnoxious in talking about my hope and my joy, when others may not be experiencing that. Am I pushing people away? Am I angering people? I have days when I’m jealous, petty, angry, and depressed, too. It’s all part of the journey. I’m definitely not exempt from needing grace. Constant grace.
I can’t seem to figure out what this blog is about — my experience, or my faith in my experience. I didn’t have an agenda when I started it. I was just grieving.
I now find myself writing for approval. Writing so people will want to read my story. No offense to anyone reading, but I hate that I’ve come to that place. I started this blog thinking, “People probably won’t find me. But that’s okay — this blog is for ME.” And that’s when I felt most free to write. That’s when I didn’t second guess myself or wonder how I could have said it better. That’s when I wouldn’t stall for days with blog post ideas in my head that never come to fruition.
I often wonder if people can really relate to what I’m saying. Sometimes I keep myself from writing something because I think, “No-one else would write this.”
And other times I feel I’m not worthy to write about my experience — my one miscarriage and (so far) brief attempt at trying to conceive again. So many women in our ttc community have seen so much more pain than I have, or at least, it seems that way. Struggling for years to get pregnant. Experiencing multiple (and I mean multiple) miscarriages — not just one. Learning they have endometriosis, PCOS, hypocoagulation… the list goes on. Reaching an age where they are truly worried if they have any time left. Or some combination of all of the above.
My story probably doesn’t seem like a desperate one. I’m desperate for God to bring my story to a good ending, but I feel that I don’t qualify for the desperation label, having had only one miscarriage and just starting to try again.
But what I’ve come to realize is that that doesn’t matter.
I may not have the world’s worst ttc story. I may not feel that I belong in a community with those in a desperate ttc situation, no matter how desperate I may feel some days. I usually don’t know the best way to get my thoughts, feelings, and convictions across. And many days, I have ideas for posts that don’t get written.
I may not always feel up to the task of eloquently expressing what God puts on my heart. But all of this is okay.
I’ve been thinking lately about why I write this blog. It started out just for me, but I believe now that God had a bigger plan for it all along. It has become the way I communicate God’s love to others who are hurting. It has become a resource for me to look back and see how He has been faithful to me, and others, and will continue to be. I still regularly read the lyrics by Sara Groves on the sidebar of my blog, and I am reminded that He is faithful. The words in that song completely pierce my heart, they are so real to me. All I have need of, His hand will provide. He’s always been faithful to me.
And this week, as I was feeling all of the above insecurities creeping in, God very quietly, but very clearly, showed me that He doesn’t want me to shy away from writing about my faith, or worry about driving people away. He wants me to stand boldly for Him. To show others that not only is it possible to have faith, hope, and joy in the midst of our tragedies and our desperation — but that He is what our hearts are desperate for. It’s how He designed us to live — fully immersed in Him, and realizing our desperate need. For Him. That is where the joy is found.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
I’m going to write what I feel, what I really believe. It may not be eloquent, but it will be real. It will reflect who I am, where I am at on this journey, and not who I think others want me to be.
Some days I will stand confidently in my faith, I will be full of hope, and God will shine through. Other days my raw, unchecked thoughts may not be so pretty. But God accepts me on my worst days so I should give myself a little grace, too. This struggle is not easy, He knows that. The important thing is that I continue to allow God to change my heart, to humbly allow Him to lead me and have His way in my life — even when I’m crumpled on the floor in tears. That’s what 2013 has been about for me, but I can honestly say that through it all I have never felt more alive, more loved, and more able to see–and accept–God’s bigger plan. I have never been more excited about what He’s doing, even though I can’t see it all right now or I may not like it right now. It’s not about me, anyway.