Today I am 10 weeks along.
Praising God for every day I have with this baby, but this is where it gets real. This is the stage when everything started to fall apart last time. I can’t help but wonder what happened, and wonder if it will happen again in the next 2-3 weeks. With baby #1, around 10wks 3days I began to lose symptoms. Everyone assured me that it was the end of the first trimester and that was normal, but I knew something was wrong. I believe even at that point that I had mother’s intuition. The next week, the spotting, achy “period” pain, and lower back pain began…and I just knew in my heart what was confirmed only days later — I was miscarrying.
So it’s fair to say that this is the stage I’m most frightened of. This is where it gets really real for me with baby #2. I feel like I’m holding my breath, making myself wait 3 weeks to exhale it. Like I’m walking through a fog, not allowing myself to feel much emotion one way or the other. I just want to see 13 weeks. I realize that things can happen at any minute, and even if I make it to 13 weeks, nothing is guaranteed. But for me, that milestone means the world. And it might as well be 10 years away… that’s what it feels like. Simply put, this is now the specific time frame of this pregnancy where I need my loved ones to be most supportive, sensitive, understanding, and dare I say at least a little attentive.
And my family really hasn’t been. I completely understand being there for my sister in her time of need, but even before my sister lost her baby no-one ever checked up on me. No calls, no emails, no nothing to ask if I’m doing okay, or even how I’m feeling. I’m getting more from friends, J’s family, and this baby loss community I’ve grown to know and love (thank you, you have no idea what your support does for me).
I haven’t really thought much about the lack of support I’m getting, but every now and then it does bother me. Why the silence? Don’t they remember my story? Was it so long ago? Maybe it’s because I’m living it, but I feel like my story unfolded over the whole course of last year, not just with my miscarriage 9 months ago. They don’t even acknowledge it now. A simple “how are you doing” would suffice even, but it’s like they’re avoiding any talk of pregnancy that doesn’t have to do with excitement, planning, and what they are determined will happen in August. Danggit I hate that. It’s so not the way I want to be treated right now, not by my immediate family. Don’t pretend this didn’t happen, just be there. Check in once or twice in this new first trimester. Is that too much to ask?
I say this because my mother called today. She started talking about the diapers she got me (diapers? seriously??) and when the conversation opened up a bit I shared with her the (cautiously) exciting tidbit that I’m 10 weeks today. She shared my excitement, but I wanted to convey, if only for a minute, that this marker is very scary for me. Pretty much all I said was, “I’m 10 weeks today…this is a great thing, but this is right when everything started happening last time. Satan’s going to try to throw darts at me…” And before I could get anything else out, she definitively said, “You’re fine.” I then repeated that last part, hoping she would at least say she’d pray for me, or that she understands this is scary. Anything other than what she did would have been fine, honestly.
She didn’t have any words for me. She just completely changed the subject. She was in a store and started talking about the item she was looking at on the shelf. Then she changed the subject again and started to talk about this basket she’s making for her friend’s daughter’s baby. I’m not kidding.
I didn’t say too much after that. I was so angry. I was not in the mood to talk anymore, but I pretended my way through the rest of the conversation, which was her pretty much talking out loud to herself about when she thinks she’ll come up here this weekend, why one day won’t work and the other will, and how she has to take the dog to the vet on Saturday but wants to stay through Monday at my grandmother’s, who is just down the street from me (my mom is an hour away from us).
And all I could think was, “SERIOUSLY?!! That’s your main concern today!!? THAT is what you choose to talk to me about right now?? “
I WISH those were things I could concern myself with right now. I would trade in a heartbeat.
She has no idea what it’s like to wonder if her baby will still have a heartbeat from one day to the next. Her 5 pregnancies resulted in 5 living children.
I would trade in a heartbeat.