Little Dude. Big Plans.

Little Dude. Big Plans.

Little Dude. Big Plans.

I have so much to update on. It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve written! I needed to get offline for a while, needed time to rest and reflect. God has given me an enormous gift, and I have been struggling this entire pregnancy to choose joy and not fear. It has been a HARD battle. It was harder than I expected. I really thought I could just choose faith but I underestimated the push-back the enemy has.

I am ashamed to say I chose fear most of the time, especially before 13 weeks. Then the 13th week came and went, and I had 2 separate things that scared the daylights out of me that week. Both were fine, but it was a good reminder that nothing is guaranteed, not even after you think you’ve hit your “safety zone.” I should have learned that the last time. I think God wanted to show me that He’s in control, and that whatever is going on with my body has no bearing on the outcome of this pregnancy. All of the days ordained for this child have been written in His book already.

Faith MATTERS. And it is a choice. You won’t ever feel like grabbing onto faith, but it is critical to just choose to trust in how much God loves you — and loves your child.

I am 17 weeks today.

Yesterday, we found out we are having a boy. The picture above says it all. Little dude…and yes, we have big plans!

Finding out it is a boy made my heart soar. I can’t really describe it. I miss my William everyday, he was my first. He will always be my first. And I really believe he was a boy. This ‘little dude’ in no way replaces him, but it helps my heart heal in a way I can’t put into words. I was hoping for a boy. I keep crying because I can’t believe it. I couldn’t sleep last night I was so excited. I am just melting. I’m falling in love with this child. I’m finally allowing myself to.

Our sweet boy

Our sweet boy

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved this child since day one. I loved this child the moment we lost William, knowing his little brother or sister was in our future someday. But I have weirdly not “felt” love, probably because I’ve felt fear the whole time. Maybe it was how my love manifested for so long. I loved him so much I feared losing him like we lost William. Every day I was scared of something different. I still am. I wanted to post yesterday but didn’t because I hadn’t gone to my appointment yet, I was afraid of jinxing it. Seriously. God is still working on me.

I’m going to keep this short(ish) for now, and will have more to talk about later. I just wanted to update everyone who’s been SO SO supportive. I may not have responded to all your comments, but believe me they meant the world to me, especially the latest ones from my 10-week post. I’ve been reading as many of your posts as I can squeeze in and I’m still here, rooting for you and thinking of you all.

I have been thinking about this blog and wondering if I want it to stay dedicated to my loss. That’s partly why I haven’t written, I didn’t want to post happy pregnancy updates knowing that I started this blog as an outlet to write about my loss — and knowing that others read it specifically because of their losses/their infertility. I know it’s okay to write about my pregnancy, but I also love you all and hate the idea of making your hearts sink. I know you won’t say it, because you’re the sweetest girls on the planet, but I know that is what it does, at least in part. Sometimes seeing this kind of stuff is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and I’ve noticed that many of you are at your final straw in your journey, or feel like it most days. I ache reading your updates and I think about you all the time. I have hope for every single one of you, and I know that right now there are more bad days than good, but it won’t always be like that. I hope you believe that too.

So I will probably still write, but it won’t always be about this pregnancy. I don’t want to be one of those women who “forgets where she came from.” I think about my William now more than ever; February was a bittersweet month as it was the month we conceived and found out about him last year. And the further this pregnancy goes, the more I remember him fondly. I love the idea of writing about that when the mood strikes. But I will probably also write about current events and excitement from time to time, just for myself. I hope people skip those posts as needed.

And I’ll say this again and again — thank you all for your incredible support and love. You keep me going and I know God has BIG plans for all of us. He is bigger than we think He is, and can do more than we realize He can do. And He WANTS to. Heck, He already has it planned, we just don’t know about it yet!

I’m going to, yet again, share the promise God gave me over and over, just before we found out about this pregnancy. I hope you find HOPE in it! And if you haven’t yet, please visit my Hope and Encouragement page on this blog. I go read it for myself often and it’s all I can do to not drop everything I’m doing and praise God right there. He is FAITHFUL.

Psalm 107:29-30

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18 thoughts on “Little Dude. Big Plans.

  1. I find out tomorrow (18weeks). I’ve struggled between fear ans complacency, and am trying to work on the balance of handing it all over to God. It’s so hard though

    • Siobhan, I can certainly appreciate how hard it is — especially for you after what you’ve been through. Hang in there. I’m excited to hear how tomorrow’s appointment goes for you, and can’t wait to hear what you’re having! I’ve been enjoying your updates on Facebook (my initials are SF in case you’re wondering who keeps liking your posts!) Will pray for you today, and especially tomorrow. I know my heart was pounding all morning and I yelled at pretty much everyone on the road on the way to my appt. I kept telling God yesterday to just take my fear, I didn’t want it. I wish I could say that made it easier, but it was still incredibly hard. Our Redeemer lives — and He restores us. All we can do is focus on that. You are doing everything you can to not fear, you’re doing amazingly so far, and you can do this!

  2. I am so excited for you! I am glad that you are able to enjoy this pregnancy more and more. Those fears will probably never go away, you are a mom after all but it is truly amazing that you are able to give those fears to God and let Him help you through this. 🙂 Congrats again!!!!

    • Aww thank you Shelby! You have been such a cheerleader for me! Still so frustrated about your story about your doctor being on vacation. Maybe that means the 4th time on Femara is the charm? I really hope maybe that’s it, that this is God doing something in some way. Still, don’t blame you for being mad!! Ahh doctors!!

  3. Congrats. What a miracle. All of us. I’m sure I’ll feel the same when my time comes…but you are right…we never FEEL like having faith. We have to choose it. And so true…God is in complete control here! Rest in that! xo

    • Thanks Kate. I loved your recent story about the miracle of Nicole and Matt’s baby, and the impossible journey it took for them to get there. You are such an encouragement for so many. I hope you are doing well, and I am so hopeful for you this year! Much love xx

  4. I love this! You are so deserving of such great things like this. I love the picture too. I was wondering how you were doing. I never stopped praying for you. I keep a journal so I can remember. Hugs. So happy to hear you are doing great!

    • Aww thank you so much!! This comment just made my day. Thank you for praying for me, I will admit I’ve gotten behind on lifting people up in prayer, but I have prayed for you a couple times lately. I’m drawn to your story a little more than others, I’m not really sure why, I just feel a kinship with you! That’s a great idea to keep a journal. I really try not to say I’ll pray for others if I don’t think I will stop to do that, so I only say it when I mean it. But then I feel badly that I get behind when others really need the prayer! I think I’ll start a journal too. I’m so hopeful for you, and I don’t blame you one bit for telling your acupuncturist that you and your husband have decided when to start ttc again. Good for you! Can’t wait to keep reading your blog to see how the next couple of months play out. Will be thinking of you this April, I know that’s a hard time for you. Hugs to you!!

    • Thanks Alexis! That is so sweet of you to mention William. I feel he is part of the picture even though I don’t publicly talk about it, other than on this blog. Thinking of you and so excited for you! I’m here if you need to vent your fears, I completely understand how you feel. You are doing GREAT!

    • Thanks hon! I hope everything is going well with you. I’ve gotten behind on reading your blog since I’ve been off blogs a lot, and have been wondering how you are. One of my best friends is marrying an English guy, and every time she talks about him and the things she’s learning about the UK, I think of you over there! 🙂

  5. I’m so happy to hear that your little baby boy (how exciting that it’s a boy!) is doing well and that you are able to start moving beyond the fear. I totally understand what you mean when you said it was very hard to have faith and not fear. Congratulations again!

    • Amber, thank you so much! And thanks for checking in a couple weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to update you, it was sweet of you to check in. I’ve read some of your recent updates, about Elmo, about your marriage struggles, and about how you’re struggling to understand why God would give you new babies only to miscarry them, after you specifically prayed to Him to close your womb so that wouldn’t happen. My heart just goes out to you! I don’t have an answer for you but it seems He’s really working in your life, something is going on. I’m so sorry you had to experience that though. You are amazing. I’m glad to hear Elmo’s doing okay, and that you and your husband are coming together to work on your relationship. I prayed for you the other night, was just thinking of your story. And that rainbow you saw, take it and run with it! I think they can mean different things for each of us, but without a doubt I believe it’s always God tenderly speaking to us. 🙂

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