I have so much to update on. It’s been 7 weeks since I’ve written! I needed to get offline for a while, needed time to rest and reflect. God has given me an enormous gift, and I have been struggling this entire pregnancy to choose joy and not fear. It has been a HARD battle. It was harder than I expected. I really thought I could just choose faith but I underestimated the push-back the enemy has.
I am ashamed to say I chose fear most of the time, especially before 13 weeks. Then the 13th week came and went, and I had 2 separate things that scared the daylights out of me that week. Both were fine, but it was a good reminder that nothing is guaranteed, not even after you think you’ve hit your “safety zone.” I should have learned that the last time. I think God wanted to show me that He’s in control, and that whatever is going on with my body has no bearing on the outcome of this pregnancy. All of the days ordained for this child have been written in His book already.
Faith MATTERS. And it is a choice. You won’t ever feel like grabbing onto faith, but it is critical to just choose to trust in how much God loves you — and loves your child.
I am 17 weeks today.
Yesterday, we found out we are having a boy. The picture above says it all. Little dude…and yes, we have big plans!
Finding out it is a boy made my heart soar. I can’t really describe it. I miss my William everyday, he was my first. He will always be my first. And I really believe he was a boy. This ‘little dude’ in no way replaces him, but it helps my heart heal in a way I can’t put into words. I was hoping for a boy. I keep crying because I can’t believe it. I couldn’t sleep last night I was so excited. I am just melting. I’m falling in love with this child. I’m finally allowing myself to.
Don’t get me wrong, I have loved this child since day one. I loved this child the moment we lost William, knowing his little brother or sister was in our future someday. But I have weirdly not “felt” love, probably because I’ve felt fear the whole time. Maybe it was how my love manifested for so long. I loved him so much I feared losing him like we lost William. Every day I was scared of something different. I still am. I wanted to post yesterday but didn’t because I hadn’t gone to my appointment yet, I was afraid of jinxing it. Seriously. God is still working on me.
I’m going to keep this short(ish) for now, and will have more to talk about later. I just wanted to update everyone who’s been SO SO supportive. I may not have responded to all your comments, but believe me they meant the world to me, especially the latest ones from my 10-week post. I’ve been reading as many of your posts as I can squeeze in and I’m still here, rooting for you and thinking of you all.
I have been thinking about this blog and wondering if I want it to stay dedicated to my loss. That’s partly why I haven’t written, I didn’t want to post happy pregnancy updates knowing that I started this blog as an outlet to write about my loss — and knowing that others read it specifically because of their losses/their infertility. I know it’s okay to write about my pregnancy, but I also love you all and hate the idea of making your hearts sink. I know you won’t say it, because you’re the sweetest girls on the planet, but I know that is what it does, at least in part. Sometimes seeing this kind of stuff is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and I’ve noticed that many of you are at your final straw in your journey, or feel like it most days. I ache reading your updates and I think about you all the time. I have hope for every single one of you, and I know that right now there are more bad days than good, but it won’t always be like that. I hope you believe that too.
So I will probably still write, but it won’t always be about this pregnancy. I don’t want to be one of those women who “forgets where she came from.” I think about my William now more than ever; February was a bittersweet month as it was the month we conceived and found out about him last year. And the further this pregnancy goes, the more I remember him fondly. I love the idea of writing about that when the mood strikes. But I will probably also write about current events and excitement from time to time, just for myself. I hope people skip those posts as needed.
And I’ll say this again and again — thank you all for your incredible support and love. You keep me going and I know God has BIG plans for all of us. He is bigger than we think He is, and can do more than we realize He can do. And He WANTS to. Heck, He already has it planned, we just don’t know about it yet!
I’m going to, yet again, share the promise God gave me over and over, just before we found out about this pregnancy. I hope you find HOPE in it! And if you haven’t yet, please visit my Hope and Encouragement page on this blog. I go read it for myself often and it’s all I can do to not drop everything I’m doing and praise God right there. He is FAITHFUL.