10 weeks / My mother strikes again

Today I am 10 weeks along.

Praising God for every day I have with this baby, but this is where it gets real. This is the stage when everything started to fall apart last time. I can’t help but wonder what happened, and wonder if it will happen again in the next 2-3 weeks. With baby #1, around 10wks 3days I began to lose symptoms. Everyone assured me that it was the end of the first trimester and that was normal, but I knew something was wrong. I believe even at that point that I had mother’s intuition. The next week, the spotting, achy “period” pain, and lower back pain began…and I just knew in my heart what was confirmed only days later — I was miscarrying.

So it’s fair to say that this is the stage I’m most frightened of. This is where it gets really real for me with baby #2. I feel like I’m holding my breath, making myself wait 3 weeks to exhale it. Like I’m walking through a fog, not allowing myself to feel much emotion one way or the other. I just want to see 13 weeks. I realize that things can happen at any minute, and even if I make it to 13 weeks, nothing is guaranteed. But for me, that milestone means the world. And it might as well be 10 years away… that’s what it feels like. Simply put, this is now the specific time frame of this pregnancy where I need my loved ones to be most supportive, sensitive, understanding, and dare I say at least a little attentive.

And my family really hasn’t been. I completely understand being there for my sister in her time of need, but even before my sister lost her baby no-one ever checked up on me. No calls, no emails, no nothing to ask if I’m doing okay, or even how I’m feeling. I’m getting more from friends, J’s family, and this baby loss community I’ve grown to know and love (thank you, you have no idea what your support does for me).

I haven’t really thought much about the lack of support I’m getting, but every now and then it does bother me. Why the silence? Don’t they remember my story? Was it so long ago? Maybe it’s because I’m living it, but I feel like my story unfolded over the whole course of last year, not just with my miscarriage 9 months ago. They don’t even acknowledge it now. A simple “how are you doing” would suffice even, but it’s like they’re avoiding any talk of pregnancy that doesn’t have to do with excitement, planning, and what they are determined will happen in August. Danggit I hate that. It’s so not the way I want to be treated right now, not by my immediate family. Don’t pretend this didn’t happen, just be there. Check in once or twice in this new first trimester. Is that too much to ask?

I say this because my mother called today. She started talking about the diapers she got me (diapers? seriously??) and when the conversation opened up a bit I shared with her the (cautiously) exciting tidbit that I’m 10 weeks today. She shared my excitement, but I wanted to convey, if only for a minute, that this marker is very scary for me. Pretty much all I said was, “I’m 10 weeks today…this is a great thing, but this is right when everything started happening last time. Satan’s going to try to throw darts at me…” And before I could get anything else out, she definitively said, “You’re fine.” I then repeated that last part, hoping she would at least say she’d pray for me, or that she understands this is scary. Anything other than what she did would have been fine, honestly.

She didn’t have any words for me. She just completely changed the subject. She was in a store and started talking about the item she was looking at on the shelf. Then she changed the subject again and started to talk about this basket she’s making for her friend’s daughter’s baby. I’m not kidding.

I didn’t say too much after that. I was so angry. I was not in the mood to talk anymore, but I pretended my way through the rest of the conversation, which was her pretty much talking out loud to herself about when she thinks she’ll come up here this weekend, why one day won’t work and the other will, and how she has to take the dog to the vet on Saturday but wants to stay through Monday at my grandmother’s, who is just down the street from me (my mom is an hour away from us).

And all I could think was, “SERIOUSLY?!! That’s your main concern today!!? THAT is what you choose to talk to me about right now?? “

I WISH those were things I could concern myself with right now. I would trade in a heartbeat.

Oh, heartbeat…

She has no idea what it’s like to wonder if her baby will still have a heartbeat from one day to the next. Her 5 pregnancies resulted in 5 living children.

I would trade in a heartbeat.

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7 thoughts on “10 weeks / My mother strikes again

  1. I’m thinking about you and have faith that you’ll make it to 13 weeks. You will. I’m so sorry about your mom. All of this makes everyone feel uncomfortable because they can’t help or relate (it’s totally not fair). I had to actually YELL at my mom and tell her what I needed her to say. I mean like really yell. She’s been 100% better, but she needed to be told what I needed. I’ll be thinking about you. Hugs friend…

  2. I’m so sorry. I have had so much support from my immediate family that I can’t imagine what you are feeling right now. You are doing amazing though. You keep going, keep living, keep praying. You are doing absolutely everything that you can for this little baby. These next 3 weeks will be incredibly hard for you and that makes total sense. I know that feeling of “if I can just get past where things went wrong last time”. I’m hoping that these next few weeks end up flying by for you so that you can rest a little easier in your 2nd trimester. Actually can they fly by for all of us? haha I’d rather skip over the whole two week wait thing entirely.

    Thinking and praying for you!!! 🙂

  3. I am believing you will not only make it to 13 weeks with this baby, but FULL TERM with ZERO complications 🙂 I praying the communication between you and your mom get easier :/ That’s a tough thing to feel alone.

    waitingforbabybird.com

  4. Hang in there, friend. So hard, the waiting…take one day at a time. I know that fear the 2nd time around. Ugh. But hold onto hope and hold onto God. It is all in His hands. So sorry about your mom…just makes it all so much harder. Hugs, friend. xo You can do this!!

  5. It’s so hard, I honestly think people just can’t know how we feel when then haven’t lived it. And some people don’t want to try to imagine it, because it hurts too much. I got a Doppler today, it’s amazing and such a relief to be able to hear the heart beat whenever I want – I highly recommend it – if you’re slim you should be able to hear it now, I’m only a week ahead of you 🙂

  6. It’s so scary I know. I want to caution about the Doppler though. With. Noah I had an anterior placenta and despite my weekly appointments couldn’t find the heartbeat until 14 weeks. It was terrifying. So just warning you, if you can’t find a heartbeat with a Doppler, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

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