I couldn’t be happier that 2013 is SO OVER. I know I’m not the only one! I love that a new year brings new hope, flutters of wonder for what may be, the promise of potentially putting the failures, devastations, and even just the rough spots of the previous year behind you. Regardless of where you are on January 1st, there is hope and things can always turn around. I love that. Call me idealist, a dreamer, or whatever, but I’ve always been that way. I have to believe things can be better.
With that in mind I refuse to let the fact that J got more bad news today get the best of me. The third job that he’s been up for in the last 8 months — each of which he was perfect for, interviewed well for, and had him pretty much believing it would work out — crumbled today. He interviewed before Thanksgiving and they drug it out, just today telling him it was a no. We really thought this was how God was fixing the first two no’s. This job made so much sense, and we really had a good feeling about it. We even counted down the hours, then minutes, to 2014 on New Year’s Eve. We were so glad to put 2013 behind us and so eager to see how 2014 could be different.
J told me this morning and I had to fight the anger at God. How can I yell at God after what he’s done for us? I’m 8 weeks today, and every day I’m grateful for how He’s leading us and blessing us. No, I won’t yell. I love Him too much. But I sat there in disbelief, just looking up and thinking, “Really? Again??” I started to feel the frustration and impatience seeping in to my heart, and was wondering how God is going to use this. How He’s going to make J believe that this is for his ultimate good. In my heart I believe that, but can I be sure J believes it after what he’s been through in the past year? I worry this is going to drive him away from God, not towards Him. Worried that he’ll think God is letting him down over and over again. His job has gotten so bad, his boss talks down to him everyday and treats him like crap. He works hard and all they ever do is make him feel like it’s not enough. It’s a joke. Just like his last job was that he tried for a year to get out of. Oh and let’s not forget the year he looked for a job after he got laid off. These are consecutive years. This keeps happening to him.
After a few minutes of silence God jumped in and spoke softly to me. It was so simple, and really all it came down to is that I need to trust Him. Trust that God knows what J needs (more than I do), that He wouldn’t be doing this to him if it was going to drive him completely away from Him, that this will strengthen his resolve and make him the man of faith I long for him to be — not tear him down and beat him to a pulp (which is what it feels like sometimes). Not that J doesn’t have faith, but he doesn’t talk about it as openly as I do, and I can’t know his thoughts. I want to be assured that he really communicates with God, that his faith isn’t stagnant or dull, and that God is using things in his life to draw J near to Him, and not to make him angry at Him.
And basically, God showed me that I can’t know that. And that that’s okay. This is between Him and J, and I can’t get in the way of it. He’s going to work out His purpose for Him, and I need to stand back. All I can do is pray. I just wish I were better at cheering him up. But I see now that just like my heart is in TTC/having a baby and God is using that to strengthen me, J’s fixation is to finally find a fulfilling job, and God is using this to strengthen him. God tugs at us where it matters to us, to get us to pay attention.
Anyway, as I said earlier I’m not going to let this pull me down. I’m literally sick and TIRED of feeling like crap, and now that 2013 is behind us, I’m done with feeling sad. I refuse to think that nothing good can come out of this. God says it can, and it will — so I’m going to take Him at His word. I’m SO done with feeling vulnerable, lowly, and defeated. This is 2014. That was chapter 6, this is chapter 7. I’m going to punch today — this year — in the face and refuse to let this knock me down. (I encourage you to download and watch Priscilla Shirer’s Gideon session #3 about chapter 6 vs. chapter 7. It’s $4.99 but it’s amazing and so worth it. Priscilla works with Beth Moore ministries.)
On that note I’m celebrating something else. Today is my first day going part-time at work. I’ve been working since I was 15, had 2 jobs in college most of the time (along with a full-time school schedule), and have been working full-time “real” jobs for almost 9 years now, so I cannot wait to see what this feels like! My goals are to get more cleaned/organized around the house, cook more (J does most of the cooking because I stink and he’s awesome at it, haha), volunteer more at the pregnancy center, and get together for lunch with some friends here and there. I don’t take it lightly that God has blessed me to be able to go part-time, and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
With that, I’m off to try and get something done. After I watch Boy Meets World. I want to leave with an encouraging thought:
That might be my word for the year. Courage. Courage to punch each day in the face. And this is my corresponding verse:
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.