I just wanted to say thank you to everyone in this community for your outpouring of support yesterday. I know what it’s like to read those “I’m pregnant!” posts, and as much as it’s easier to read it from someone we know is struggling to get and stay pregnant, I know it’s still painful to see those words come across the screen. I truly appreciate your kindness to me and excitement for me, and how you are all rooting for me. I’m so rooting for you as well!!
So without further ado, here’s the 11 DPO test this morning (if you click you can see it better):
You can’t see the 10 DPO as well in the above pic because the light is making a glare…I could not get a side by side without that happening. But J and I both agreed as soon as we looked — 11 DPO is definitely a tad darker this morning!
I’m going to write as if this pregnancy is going to last, because I’m truly hoping and believing it will. It will be difficult, but I will try to stay away from the phrase “if this works out” — I’ve already said that at least 4 times since yesterday. I would say I’m doing good though… I’m about 85% elated and 15% worried. I thought for so long that it’d be the opposite. So I’m going to write about my excitement. Yes, I’ll write about my fears and worries too, but I really am going to try not to focus on those. One day at a time. Appreciating God’s gift that He had me wait 8 months for (that’s how long it’s been since my miscarriage) — and appreciating how this positive test is worth every minute of it. For every day He lets me have this baby, I’m going to love it and be excited about it. And I’m totally going to praise Him for showing me that it’s possible for me to still get pregnant!!!
I’m going to get a dry erase marker and write this on my mirror so I see it every day:
Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen—and they do happen—we are stronger.
I would still love to have your support, but I understand if you don’t want to read my updates for as long as I’m in the good news bubble (there I go again…”as long as I’m in”). I myself need to back away from reading some of others’ updates right now, because I really want to try not to think about miscarriage too much at this point. I feel it will lead to a lot more stress, especially over something that is out of my control. I’m going in for bloodwork today -and again Friday- that I demanded over the phone (yay for me being my own advocate!), to have my thyroid and progesterone levels checked, but beyond that there’s nothing I can do to save this baby if God wants to take it. So I have to be hopeful and believing all around.
I will leave you with a verse God has been bringing to my attention frequently over the past month:
He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven.
My pastor mentioned this verse in church about a month ago and I marked it; I thought it was quite profound given the fact that I’m studying Matthew in my weekly bible study at another church, and we just studied the story of how Jesus calmed the sea after the disciples flipped out on Him. This is clearly a reference to those verses in Matthew. And I have definitely flipped out on God this year.
“Haven” jumped out at me because the pregnancy center director that I work with, her daughter has a baby girl named Haven. She had 3 unexplained miscarriages and was told that her next child had a 5% chance to live. Well, she had that child. That was Haven. Completely healthy, and beautiful. 🙂 She was the desired haven.
I saw that verse again a couple weeks later when I got a random Thanksgiving card in the mail from a business I worked with over a year ago (totally not expecting it). They actually put a bible verse on their card — and it was THIS one. Unbelievable. This has to be God.
I started to think about Haven and what it means, so I looked it up in an online dictionary. It means “harbor” or “port.” Also “a place of safety…where you are protected from danger.” And even “a place offering favorable opportunities or conditions.”
So 1) God causes the massive storm we are in to be still. 2) God causes the huge waves of chaos and pain to be hushed. 3) His people are glad because He rescues them and quiets their panicking. and 4 –the most important) He guides them to their desired haven. Not just any haven, not a haven that’s not fit for them… He guides them to *their* haven — the one He made especially for them, the one they desire, the one they want to be in.
To say I’ve been floored with this verse lately is an understatement. And after what just happened this week, I know He was trying to tell me something. Our God is so amazing. So good. I still can’t believe we’re due on our anniversary. I mean, wow, God is good.
And you know what else? Those 2 rainbows I saw in August had me wondering “why the heck August, what does that mean?” Well,
if all goes well… I’ll be due in August. And just a little secret that I haven’t shared with J yet… I had a consecutive series of a positive OPK, then a negative, then a positive — it’s quite possible that I released 2 eggs. (WHOA.) Two rainbows probably means my sister’s baby is due in August, too, but I just had to share that because it’s fun to speculate. Gosh, I look for meaning in everything. Guess time will tell!
Okay, off to grab lunch and get my first blood work done. Wish me luck!
Thank you for your prayers and support. They mean so, so much. Be encouraged that God is going to do GREAT things in your life! Thinking of you all. XXX