Yes, chocolate. Don’t judge me. I’m angry, grieving, and PMS’ing at the same time.
That’s right, PMS’ing. I found out on my would-have-been due date that I’m out this cycle (another thing that threw me for a loop that day). That’s why I was so angry and wanted to hit things. I shouldn’t have tested, but I knew I didn’t want to think for another 2-3 days that I was pregnant (I thought I was), and then have it turn out that I wasn’t. That day was already painful, why not rip the band-aid and get it over with?
The ugly witch should show her face tonight or early tomorrow. We’re moving onto post-miscarriage cycle 5, although not without a huge dose of “I don’t deserve this” kind of anger and ugly (and I mean ugly) crying. Technically, it’s month #11 of this journey. God’s dealing with me, but I never expected to be in this position. Almost a year later, with nothing to show for it.
Does this post go under the thankfulness label? Probably not. But I’m thankful for chocolate right now and don’t have the energy to think about anything else. Another day or two and I’m sure I’ll be fine.
The really eery thing? If AF shows up tomorrow, my due date if I conceive next cycle (yes, I looked it up already) would be our wedding anniversary. To the day. To say that I really, really want that is quite an understatement. But I don’t count on special dates working out anymore. That’s how my heart gets broken, over and over again.