Two cycles ago, I vowed not to loop my mother in to anymore of my TTC journey — and for good reason.
I love my mom, and we are close. And yes, there are many days when she is the only person I can talk to about so many things. I love that we have that kind of relationship.
But she is inherently perky, aloof, and not very deep about lots of things. The kind of person that is always “up.” I hate to say that she’s not deep, in a sense, because she is about some things. And she does empathize with others when something really strikes her, or if someone really points out that they need empathy. But lots of times it doesn’t just come to her. And this is where she and I are so different (and why she isn’t good to talk to about my miscarriage/ttc journey) — if she doesn’t understand something someone is going through, empathy is not her gut reaction. She’s a teacher — she wants to help — so she will tell you what she thinks will help. I know lots of people are like that, so it’s not a bad thing. But she is my mom. I want her to be comforting!
She’s never had a miscarriage. Now that part is not her fault, and I’m glad she’s never experienced that. But I think because of that, she’s never been able to console me the way that I need her to. (Honestly, I don’t know that she would know how even if she had gone through this herself, but that’s just speculation on my part and probably not fair of me.) She truly doesn’t get it, and since I am a very emotional person ON TOP of having a miscarriage and being emotional about that, she is not the ideal person to talk to about my journey.
I’ve always wanted her to be, because she’s my mom and I tell her so much of everything else… not to mention she has a vested interest in this because she wants more grandkids! But over the past 6 months, I have often found myself venting to her, explaining things to her, and even telling her little things in passing, only to be very disappointed, if not very hurt, by her reaction. So in early August I decided to just stop looping her into this experience altogether. It was a good decision.
Well, I lapsed. I actually lapse a lot and tell her things, but on my good days (which are many) I can just write off her reaction and not think too much about it.
This Friday, I spent the night at my parents’ house right after I got back from my work trip. I slept in a little because I had been going to bed late and getting up early the whole trip, so I came out to say good morning around 9:45. Mom and I walked around the house chatting away, playing with the dogs, and just having a good morning. She said she was sorry the dogs barked so early and she hoped that didn’t wake me up. Without thinking I just said, “Well I get up every morning at 7:45 a.m. to take my temperature and then go back to sleep, so it’s not a big deal, I went back to sleep.” You would think she wouldn’t comment on that and just let it go. It was one of those “mentioned it in passing” things. I didn’t invite her commentary, and wasn’t even expecting it.
She responded with the exclamation, “Oh, just have sex!”
“Just have sex.” That’s her solution to everything I’ve been through this year. The anxiety I have had, the hurt I am feeling over and over again every month, the carefully thought-out decision to chart my BBT only to have something I can show my doctors in case anything IS wrong.
Essentially, just ignore all of that and “have sex.”
I’m so glad I chose to share this with you. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! I’ll just have sex.
So you see, I love my mother. And I know she does mean well. But it was a good decision to not loop her in to any of this experience anymore, and maybe now I’ll remember why I chose to do that.
Can anyone else relate? Does anyone else have a mother (or close friend) that says stuff like that to you?
It’s no wonder we come out of this stronger!