I must admit there are several things I’ve been wanting to write about, but right now I’m just not in the mood.
These past few weeks have been hard. And this past week, I have been in a very irritable, snarky, impatient mood. I’m sure it’s partially due to hormones (I’m due for my period today or tomorrow)… or it could be that I’ve just had enough. Every time I turn around I am reminded of the child I will not bring home next month. I am reminded that I am not pregnant again yet, almost a year from when we started trying. Constantly, it seems right now, I am reminded of the lot I have been given for this season of my life, and of the fact that many others in my path have not been given this lot for whatever reason — whether I know them or not.
You know that “light at the end of the tunnel” thought that starts to recur when you’ve been struggling with something for a long time? You start to think that at a certain point it has to end, and then you deem that you are nearing that point? You rationalize that your struggle must be coming to a resolution soon, because it’s been so long and it just feels as though it will — or should?
I’ve been in that place, mentally and emotionally, for a couple weeks now. This whole year, and I’ve just now come to that place. The funny thing about that is, you can’t just will your struggle to be over, even when every thing in your being tells you it feels close. So you’re stuck in this mental and emotional state until it either resolves (which could be a while) or you snap out of it and learn to manage.
Over the past few months I have hit several smaller points where I thought, “Surely this is it. I am close to the end of this. I can feel it,” only to be snapped back into reality. But then I would have some solitude with God, just immersing myself in His word and in prayer until I didn’t feel like that anymore.
But in these past couple weeks, I just can’t seem to snap out of that snarky mood, that feeling that this just has to end soon. I know God is there, and if anything I feel closer to Him than I ever have before. And I’m not angry with Him. I truly get what He’s doing in my life, and I am open to what He’s teaching me.
But I can’t shake this snarky feeling. Not at Him, just in general. And it intensifies when I see a pregnant woman, or hear about someone trying to get pregnant (who I assume will have it “easy”).
Maybe it’s because my pregnant friend is due this week. Or that I spent last weekend with my other pregnant friend who told me all about her gender reveal party with her other friends–and a couple weeks before that she forgot to tell me that they found out the sex. Or that I have been seeing on average about 3 pregnant women every time I leave the house or turn on the TV. Or that every week at our new church someone asks again if we have children — and when we say no (ouch), they proceed to innocently treat us as the “young married couple without kids” — you know how that is.
Or that when I went to Cracker Barrel the other day, I was instantly reminded that this is the season I would have brought home my baby, upon being slammed with the “my first Thanksgiving” bibs in front of the door. I couldn’t get away from them, they were eye-level. I had to tilt my head forward to quietly wipe away a couple of tears so no-one would see.
I think it’s this time of year. I knew it would be hard since I was expecting a fall baby, but add to that the fact that I thought I would be pregnant again by now. I would’ve gasped if you had told me in May that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. I got pregnant in the second month of trying, the first time. I know that for many others it’s a struggle to get pregnant, and my heart goes out to them, because I can only imagine how hard that is on them. But as far as I know, that’s not my struggle… not part of my story. I’m scared, though, because I’m starting to think that it could be part of my story. We have to try for 6 months before we can jump to conclusions that something is wrong, but I’m scared. And completely impatient. If there is something wrong, I want to know now. Because I want answers, yes, but also because it would be tremendously emotionally healing for me to be pregnant again.
This is coming from the snarky, irritable me right now — but I honestly don’t think I’ll get pregnant in the next couple of months. I don’t know why, I just don’t have faith that I will. I have faith in God, but who’s to say He isn’t allowing this season of my life to go on for a reason? Who’s to say how long He’ll allow it go on, or how far it will go and how complex it will get?
And mad. And irritable.
I want to snap out of it soon, because this is not the new me that I’ve become this year. This is not reflective of the transformed heart and steadfast faith that I’ve developed over the course of this struggle. I’ve allowed God to take over this journey and my attitude towards it — sometimes not without fighting Him on it, but I have. I am a different person than I was in January. Most days, I am full of joy, and hopeful. And I am better than this attitude I have been having these past couple weeks.
But I just don’t have the energy right now to hold onto that thought for very long.
And now my newly married sister is trying to get pregnant. And I am convinced I will be left behind, still trying, and my struggle will essentially be forgotten in a large sense by my family. I’m scared to death of that. And I won’t even get into the hang-ups I have about my sister possibly being blessed with children before me, even though I love her. More on that later.
So I want to stay snarky for the time being.