Just found this letter I wrote to J in January

Little did I know what this year would actually bring…

My darling J, 

I love you so much. Today marks the end of January, and already I feel 2013 has so much in store for us. I can’t wait to see what God’s going to do in our life and in our marriage this year. I started out by charging ahead, thinking I knew what was best for me (and us) and trying to control everything, thinking I could fix anything, and worrying about little things that didn’t matter. But just in the past couple of weeks God has really shown me that He is in complete control. So I’m going to let Him be. And I’m going to truly step back, seek Him, rest in Him, and be the best I can be in the important roles He’s given me for now — your wife, and His servant. 

Thank you for being a virtuous and God-fearing husband. For constantly considering and doing what’s best for our family, but at the same time really trying to pay attention to my needs and my heart. For truly hearing me when I have something to communicate, for trying new things with me, for encouraging and challenging me when I begin to self-destruct or unravel, for always believing that I’m strong and smart, and for not accepting it when I say I’m not. For laughing out loud with me (and finding the same things funny), and reminding me of how much I cherish that! Sometimes that just makes my day. God teaches me so much through you. I know without a shadow of a doubt — I’ve always known — that you are my perfect match.  

I want to encourage you in the ways you need it most, and I’m going to continue working to figure out what that means each day. Anything you ultimately decide or feel is right to do — I’m behind you 100%. I believe God is going to do some unbelievably amazing things in your life, and with your job — and jobs down the road. Live in the present, but don’t stop thinking about what God can do, and WILL do, in your life, in His timing. You are so far beyond other men around you, you always have been. Yet, you are humble, you are committed, and you work hard. God will reward that. He is just waiting to surprise you and bless you. Keep at it. I’m so proud of you. And don’t think about the grind, years down the road. Take one day at a time, and keep trying to find things that enrich your life and give you joy outside of work. We will make time for that, and I will help you make time for it, and figure it out, as much as I can, or as much as you want me to. Just don’t lose sight of that, regardless of how busy work keeps you right now. Your personal well-being is way more important than a job, and we can always figure out a better situation for you, and for us, if we feel we need to. 

I can tell that you are trying to meet my out-of-the-blue needs, especially lately — even when they change by the minute and it completely throws you off! Thank you for hanging in there. You don’t always have to have the answer or the perfect words to say, but I so appreciate you trying. That’s all I really need. And most of all, thank you for already being the man you already are. I love the character, strength, warmth, sincerity, ambition, and fortitude of the man I married. I waited for you, and everyday I’m thankful for you. If I don’t say it enough — I’m so grateful to you for all that you do. The little around the house things, and the big I-can’t-believe-he-married-ME-because-he’s-so-incredible things. To say I’m so lucky is an understatement! 

It’s been 1,793 days now that we’ve had each other, and I think I knew on day 1 that I couldn’t live without you! 

All my love,

Two weeks after I wrote this, we got pregnant. And, well, the rest is history. 2013 certainly has had a lot in store for us, none of it we expected… and it’s not over yet. But I thank God for giving me an amazing husband, a husband who continues to floor me with how much support and love he pours on me. And I’m grateful to have a marriage that God is strengthening so early on. Yes, it’s tough — very tough — but I would rather have a marriage like this than one that coasted in the early years only to be hit with something traumatic 15-20 years in. So in the midst of everything we’re facing right now, I am so incredibly grateful to have a supportive, loving, perfectly matched partner.

I remember a time in my early/mid 20s when I wondered if God was ever going to bring me someone. When I was worried that all my friends were going to get married and I still wouldn’t have a boyfriend. When I thought that no man would be what I wanted him to be, and I would just end up going on awkward dates forever (I didn’t even date often — I was picky). It’s funny how God works. Just when you think it’s not happening and you are about to give up, He pulls back the curtain. One month before I turned 25, J and I began dating. Yes, that was young. I thought it was old… but I don’t think that anymore. (I thought I’d meet my husband in college because I just thought that was what was supposed to happen.) This year has altered my perspective and allowed me to see (reminded me) that God does work. He IS working. All the time. We just don’t see it. Years from now we’ll look back and see that curtain pulled back. But we’re not exactly going to see it now, and if we did — bear with me here — we wouldn’t see it the same way. The experience has to change us first. Turn us up on our heads. We will be different. For the better, although not without a few bruises. But ultimately different…stronger…with a different perspective.

I’m counting on it. I’m already in the middle of this experience, I might as well allow myself to change from it. (It’s too late for me to allow it, honestly. I’ve already changed.)


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