Struggling Yet Looking Ahead

Just a few things to mention and then I need to hop off here and get some real work done today:

BFN1. I got my lovely monthly friend yesterday. I went all weekend with what seemed like pregnancy symptoms and my period was a few days late, so I was convinced I was pregnant. The minute I pulled in the driveway from Nashville, I took a pregnancy test — and got a Big. Fat. Ugly. In-Your-Face. Negative. I had a good cry, and then I couldn’t get myself to stop crying for a couple hours.

The next day (yesterday) I started very lightly spotting, and then by nighttime yesterday, in the meanest way possible, the witch came back. In full force. I’m talking lower back ache and uterine aches that even a heating pack couldn’t help. And I never really had a lot of pain with periods before my m/c. She really wanted me to know that she was there and there was no putting her to rest. And that my bodily signals and symptoms are all completely different — almost reversed — now, so that each two week wait post-miscarriage is going to feel like mental torture. Witch.

Whatever, on to cycle #2 (I almost want to call it #4, but since this is a fresh start, we’ll call it #2).

2. In a full twist of irony, my pregnant friend (this one) called today while I was on Amazon looking for my first basal thermometer and the OPKs I didn’t think I’d have to buy just a few days ago. What’s more, we chatted about her recent and upcoming baby showers — one that I will be attending next weekend (not that she brought it up, it just somehow came up, heck it’s a huge part of her life). Part of me is okay with the thought of going, because I love my friend and I think if I let it, it could be fun. The other part of me pictures sitting down in a circle with other folks watching her open baby gifts, or seeing other people smile and touch her belly, and feels crushed at the thought of it. At least it’s a couples shower and I can drag J with me. There are silver linings (aka God’s grace) to even the worst things, you just have to look for them.

3. Next month (and all proceeding months ttc) I vow to not pay ANY attention to symptoms. Literally the only symptom I care about now is if I get really, really tired. Then there might be a slight possibility that it just happens to be my month. Just so I can look back on this and see what I mean, let me share with you my symptoms from this two week wait that are typically early pregnancy symptoms (at least, they were for me before):  Soft cervix. Tired off and on. Menstrual-type aches that came and went. Extra saliva in my mouth, all the time. Sort of sore nipples there at the end (always sore boobs). Cloudy urine (that I’ve only ever had when pregnant). Hunger earlier in the day. Growling/gurgling stomach before and after eating. Vivid dreams for days in a row.

toy story humorThere were other, minor things, but those were the main symptoms. Never again will I pay any attention to these things. It is almost like my body/menstrual cycle did a 180 when I miscarried, and everything is different now. I think even my cycles are a bit longer (that could have been stress this month, or it could be that my luteal phase shifted).

Come to think of it, I never really had EWCM this month. They say miscarriage can affect your CM too, so maybe I should look into pre-seed or something. I don’t want to get technical or controlling with all of this, but if I can spot that now as a problem, why not try something to help it?

4. I’m not looping my mother in to any more of this experience, at least not until I’m pregnant again. Every time I want someone to talk to, she pretty much just retorts with “you just need to relax” and goes into a lecture about that. I’m done hearing it. I’m glad for her that she was surprised when she got pregnant — all 5 times — and that she can’t believe miscarriage happens so often because it never happened to her or many other people we know. I’m glad for her that she could relax about such a meaningful, huge aspect of her life. But I no longer can take being told to “just relax” as if it’s so easy to do with something hugely life-changing, something you want so desperately. For myself, I will try that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually relax, though. I will simply continue to strive for letting this go daily and not obsessing over it …giving it to God daily. But only because I know it helps, in so many ways other than just better chances for conception. It helps me. But it’s not because I’ve heard it so much from others that — oh! oh! — I’m convinced! Why have I not been just relaxing all along?! What was I thinking, it’s so simple!! …Uh, no.  (Like my Chandler reference? haha)

So here we go with cycle #2. Today is day 2. Hoping this is my month… hoping May is. ♥

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