Just want to put it out there so I don’t forget that I have plenty of good days in between the rough ones — I feel kind of at peace this morning.
It’s almost like I had to test early so I could get that needed slap in the face. The kind of thing that hurts, but feels good in a sense. It’s kind of freeing.
I’m free to have a fun weekend in Nashville with my mom without obsessing over what the stick’s going to say when I get back — because I’ve already tested. Yeah, it was probably too early… but if I keep in mind that the likelihood of me being pregnant this cycle is 15-20%, then after having taken my first test, I’m free to start thinking about other things. Or at least, I’m more motivated to try to.
This wave of peace came out of nowhere, but I’ll take it. There are seasons where you feel like your prayers are just bouncing back, even though deep down you know that’s not true. You wonder where God is in all of this and if He’s even doing anything. But on days like this when I feel His peace, I’m reminded God is faithful and hears me when I pray. Not only that, but He’s actively working on my behalf, working everything out for good. Even when I can’t see it.
He will even use this experience to use me to comfort others who are suffering, if I don’t hinder His work in my heart right now. If I become bitter and persistently angry, He can’t use me. What good is that?
Yesterday afternoon I was in a stinky mood, didn’t really feel like singing to God. But I made myself. Within probably one minute, I was instantly encouraged and joyful. I even found myself putting my hands in the air and pouring out my heart to God in praise. So many times when I’m in that kind of bad mood it’s practically impossible to make myself praise Him, but I learned something important yesterday.
Just make yourself. Start singing.
The hardest part is getting started. After that, it begins to flow. And if it doesn’t flow right away, just keep singing. It will.
Yesterday I was taken back to that week after I lost W…the week when I threw myself down at the throne of God and just wept in front of Him. I got angry with Him, yet I praised Him for giving W life and allowing me to be a part of it. I had never felt more alive, more loved, more cared for… more part of God’s bigger plan in this thing. It was such a sorrowful, yet sweet time. God opened my eyes to how much He loves me and J, and how much He loves W. And I felt that again yesterday as I was singing and weeping before Him. The one thing He wanted so desperately for me to grasp was how much He loves me. And for a minute, I stopped thinking about me and what I want. I allowed Him to embrace me as His child whom He loves so, so much. I felt His love like never before. The kind of love that does what’s best for you even though it’s not what you think you want, the kind that knows better and does something for you anyway because ultimately it leads to a result that is way better than you thought, or could have imagined for yourself.
I’m going to go into a little side story, but bear with me here.
My sweet grandfather died when I was four. My mom has always told me that I had a special relationship with him out of all the grandkids, but sadly to this day I don’t remember him very well. I never knew my dad’s father well, either, because he never came around much. I’ve always wanted to have more years with my mom’s father, the one who was apparently so special to me, and me to him. I can only imagine how close we’d be now.
He was one of the first people I thought of after I lost W. I’m not sure why, but he just came to mind a lot that first week. My mom said she had thoughts of him that week as well. It was like God was showing us that he was in heaven looking after W for us.
My grandfather’s name was William.
We named our son after him.
It means guardian … protector. Fitting for both of them.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will direct your path.