…Am I?

I’m having a mini panic attack as I think about going to Walmart tonight to pick up a pack of pregnancy tests.

My heart is pounding. I’ve never felt more nervous, more excited … and more alive. It’s sickening and exhilarating all at once.

who wants to see my pee stick

I keep thinking that as soon as I type this post and hit publish my period’s going to show up in its most cruel, infuriating, and depressing arrival ever.

Let’s hope not.

I’ve experienced some things this week that I remember experiencing in my “two week wait” when I turned out to be pregnant, so I can’t help but speculate. At this point I think I might be pregnant again, but I am putting all my energy into trying not to jump to conclusions — all the energy that I would normally spend worrying, wondering, nonstop symptom-tracking, trying to designate which symptoms are good and which are bad… basically driving myself insane. It’s so important to think on what is excellent and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8) and not to dwell on what we can’t control. Argh, learning the same lesson over and over and over again!

I’m not going to start listing symptoms here. That’s how a girl gets herself tied up in exclamations like “look at me I’m pregnant!” only to discover that there’s only one line there. There very well could be. Heck, who has real symptoms before they are 4 weeks pregnant?

Well, last time I did. And I can only say that with certainty because I was obsessed with becoming pregnant and tracked every little thing, every day. I can tell you that 3 days after I ovulated (Valentine’s Day!), I was exhausted from like 3:00 pm on and had to lay down. I never do that. Or how I woke up with drool on my pillow (extra saliva) a few days in a row.  And I never do that. There were a few other things mixed in there that could’ve been just fluctuating hormones, or even my head messing with me, a sign of nothing. But nevertheless, I noticed them because well, I’m me. And thanks to a website that preys on women trying to conceive, I tracked them.

I’m noticing things this time and trying not to pay attention. But I can’t help but want it. I can try really hard not to dwell on it or look too much into it (which I have, and I am doing well if I do say so myself) …but I can’t help but notice that there are some similarities.

Oh how I wish these similarities don’t betray me.

I can’t exactly pinpoint when I ovulated this month. I’m somewhere between 7-11 DPO today. I’m testing tomorrow or Friday (I leave Saturday afternoon for a trip with my mom and won’t be back til Monday — so I want to check beforehand).

In the meantime…looking for distractions.

Speaking of great distractions — MUSIC! Uplifting, fun, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-especially-in-the-shower music.

Here’s a couple of my favorite songs from my favorite — Colbie Caillat. Something to remember should I see that one little pink line all by its lonesome. I already just had an instant mood lift listening to these as I added them. (Colbie is awesome.)

I can do this! I will make it through this regardless of what the stinkin’ stick says!!

Think Good Thoughts

It Stops Today

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