Just got a nice swift punch in the gut this morning. Someone I used to be in church group with, someone at least 5 years younger than me, just announced her pregnancy on Facebook.
She isn’t the only one from that church group to fall pregnant recently — in fact, she’s like the 3rd or 4th in the last 6 months. I guess it’s natural for this to happen, it was a newlyweds group and pretty much everyone from our class has been married at least 2-3 years now. (Heck, it was going to be me.) I’m just sad that it’s not me who gets to stay pregnant and excitedly announce her pregnancy.
We were two days away from announcing our pregnancy publicly. I was so excited to finally let the cat out the bag when the rug was pulled out from under us. I know in the grand scheme of things, not getting to announce a pregnancy isn’t a real loss compared to the actual loss of your child. But it still makes me angry, sad, frustrated…even jealous…that I was denied that small joy on top of everything else. The joy of beaming with pride while I tell the world about my child. (You can’t do that when you miscarry, at least not for longer than a couple weeks — people think you’re crazy.)
And now all these other girls get to do the fun part…
on top of getting the grand finale, the ultimate joy… having their child.
They get to make cute pregnancy announcements with little onesies or little baby shoes or sonogram pictures of their child. They get to spill their fun secret after holding it in for 12 weeks. They get to be excited. They get to cross that milestone and finally shout it on the rooftops. And some never have to know the tragedy, the reality of miscarriage personally. They get to be blissful and none-the-wiser.
I held my secret for 11 weeks and 5 days.
And then I had to hold my secret that I had been pregnant, being careful not to allude to it or to the fact that I was distraught and barely holding myself together — ironically at a time when I needed the most support.
It seems kind of silly to feel this way. Like I can’t let go of what happened to me, can’t let it be that some women will never understand what this is like. But it makes me sad. It makes me jealous and impatient, even though I hate admitting that.
It makes me want to punch something.
I guess 3 months isn’t a long time for grief to let go. I think also that it hurts worse because we’re trying again. I’m scared of what I don’t know, scared that I can’t get pregnant again (although thankfully there’s no reason to believe I can’t, at least not that I know of), scared of miscarriage happening to me again despite trying so hard and doing everything right. And THEY get to have it all, they get to be blissfully unaware of child loss pain, or so it seems.
I know others have incredible struggles of their own.. I’m just saying these are the raw, distressed thoughts that go through my head when I see joyful pregnancy announcements. Until I bring them before the Lord — and He heals my broken heart and speaks Truth to me.
I have a good friend who is 36, has had two miscarriages over the past year, and has gone through hell with infertility treatments in the process. She doesn’t have a Facebook account. I’m starting to see that she’s on to something.
I wonder how many women have been in my shoes, who have had the seemingly small joy of announcing a pregnancy taken away from them. I wonder how many women are waiting for their moment, the moment of peace and happiness when they get to finally release their fun, exciting secret. I wonder how many are bombarded by Facebook pregnancy announcements during that time. This one was at least the second announcement I’ve seen this week — and I have seen countless ones since February (the month I found out I was pregnant).
I wonder how many women announce, and then sadly have to “un” announce. It would be very hard to go through that publicly. But part of me thinks, heck, at least you’d get additional support…