Today I called my pregnant friend. You know, the one who I mentioned was 4 weeks ahead of me and we didn’t plan it. One of my oldest, dearest friends.
It was hard to dial. She called me over a week ago, and I just haven’t had the courage to call her back. We talked once after the miscarriage, about a week or two later, but today was harder for me for some reason.
It could be because she’s farther along now (22 weeks today). She’s probably showing. And it’s hard because she represents everything I just lost. Not only that, but she represents being healthy and happy as well, and right now I don’t feel healthy or even physically back to normal (see earlier post), and that really interferes with my emotional stability–and consequently, the ability to be happy and at peace right now. She represents all of the good stuff I had in my life just 6 weeks ago, and I want it all back.
She’s a good friend and hasn’t once mentioned her pregnancy since we’ve spoken after my miscarriage. To be honest, both times it seems like she’s avoiding both topics. And even though some people have avoided the topic of my miscarriage with me altogether, and that usually frustrates me, to her I’m grateful. I’m just so grateful to have a good friend right now who is not bringing up her pregnancy with me. I think she’s probably doing it because it’s awkward, but she’s also probably doing it because she knows it has to be hard.
Seeing other pregnant women is hard for me right now, especially the ones with little bumps, because I would have been just past 4 months by now and would probably have started to have a little bump of my own. Seeing them makes me feel sad, jealous, angry, isolated… tons of emotions. But talking to her about her pregnancy, or thinking about seeing her belly, it hurts so much more.
But it has nothing to do with her. I would never tell her this, because it would be painful for her to hear. I mean, she can’t control that we got pregnant at the same time, she can’t control that I lost my baby, and she can’t change the fact that hers is going so well. (And I would never wish this kind of loss on anyone, let alone my good friend.)
I’m so happy for her. She was worried she might not get pregnant easily because her mother and sister took years to get pregnant. Her sister thought they couldn’t, so they adopted (and eventually conceived anyway). My friend thought it wouldn’t be an easy road, and was nervous about trying to conceive. But she got pregnant as soon as she came off the pill. I’m SO happy for her.
But we were pregnant together. And that hurts. There’s nothing either of us can do about what happened or what is — but still, it really hurts.
So I called her today. And that took a lot of courage for me. I’m glad I got over that fear; the more I can do that, the better I’ll be when I have to see her in person. I’m not going to push myself, I’ll take it one step at a time. But thank goodness when I do take these little steps, she’s supportive and doesn’t try to talk about anything pregnancy related. She’s a good friend.