Our baby was due November 4, 2013. I was so excited about that, because my favorite season is fall. I love the scents, the cool sweatshirt weather, football, and the bright yellow and red trees. I would have a fall baby.
And I’m an absolute Christmas enthusiast. I love the holidays. There’s something about them that gets me all giddy. I love the decorations, the scents of cinnamon and pine, having family all around (including my in-laws whom I love)… everything about the holidays just makes me happy. And I just knew this year I would have a sweet newborn, too.
The timing was perfect to have the baby, really. I was going to be on maternity leave before my busy season at work. My sister and her kids were going to come home this Christmas (they usually stay home but this year her husband will be deployed, so they want to come be with family). I wouldn’t be in my 3rd trimester in the South’s hot, humid summer. No-one else’s birthday is really around November 4, by a few weeks at least, so our baby would never have to compete with anyone in the family for birthday attention. Everything about November just seemed perfect to me. We didn’t plan it that way (heck we started trying the month before, which if we had conceived would have made our due date right around J’s birthday). But it just all seemed to fall into place so well.
I even looked up the November birthstone, and it was perfect. It’s citrine. It could also be yellow topaz. Essentially, November’s stones encompass warm fall colored gems — burnt oranges, ambers, and golden yellows. My favorites. I love fall colors.
A week before we lost the baby I began to look all of this up. I was hesitant to get excited about it, since I wasn’t at the end of my first trimester yet. (I wouldn’t let myself get too excited about anything, sadly.) But I couldn’t deny that I loved the birthstone, and I told J that when the baby was born, I wanted something with citrine or yellow topaz as a gift. Well, I said “keepsake,” but he knew what I meant! Hint, hint — I want you to give me something for birthing your baby! And it should be meaningful!
Well, obviously that day will never come. November 4th will come and go with no baby, and I know it will be a tough day for us.
But after I miscarried I told J that I still wanted something like that to hold on to, something to validate that this was our first child regardless of the fact that we’ll never get to meet him. (Yes, I said him. I just going to use ‘him’ from now on, because I’m almost positive it was a boy, even though we don’t know for sure.)
My husband, being the sensitive, wonderful man he is, presented me with a citrine trinket on Mother’s Day morning, just a few weeks after our miscarriage. And we were on vacation, so he had to remember to pack it and everything. It was so sweet.
For the first two weeks I wore it pretty much 24/7, and now I still wear it almost everyday. J smiles when he sees it. No-one has commented on it yet, but if I ever get a “pretty necklace!” remark, I will smile and say thank you. It’s the most bittersweet feeling, but every time I put it on, I think of my sweet child. I fiddle with it during the day, and just smile. Every now and then I get sad (and the first two weeks were really hard), but there’s something about thinking about him now that makes me feel bittersweet. I know he’s not coming back to me. But I also know I had him for a short time, he existed, he was real. I saw his sweet face and heard his perfect heartbeat. We even gave him a name. I don’t want to ever forget. He was my first child.